March

Happy March Beauties.

I do not know what March holds. How is it March already? Time just refuses to get back to normal for me. Since September everything has been weird, and difficult. Sitting around literally waiting for it to be ok to walk. Mentally I’m a wreck I guess you can say. Losing my therapist is hurting. I do not want to seek out someone else. Why do people just come and go so fast in our lives? What does it say about me whom people tend to be able to just leave and forget?

This is an ongoing issue for me. People leaving me. So much so that I have learned to leave before anyone can be the one to hurt me by leaving. I sometimes leave relationships before they can leave me, even if leaving me isn’t on their minds. This goes for lovers, friends, and family. It has often been in my life, me thinking on a constant reel in my mind, that if I love someone too much, they will die/get tired of me/think I am too much/never really loved me/ they end up leaving me in the dark not knowing why or any variation of multiples of these. Why do I think this, why do I feel this? Well, I know why but I do not know how to fix this in my head and heart.

My therapist would have told you I am a mothering soul by nature, maybe even more so because I don’t have children to feel that craving for me. She would also say all of those above feelings generate from two things, my mother threatening to leave and ultimately punishing me and just up and leaving after “I had been bad” and the fact that I have seen more people die in my life of significant importance before the age of 16 than most people lose in their entire lives. She would then remind me of the steps I need to go through to remind myself that I am not the reason my mother left or why people died. I would believe it for the most part that is.

So ultimately, I am not a lost wanderer trying to find out why I do or feel the way I do. I just don’t know how to fix the “flight to survive.” I worry about losing all my friends because I just stop communicating when I worry about them or if I’m good enough. The is by the pure grace of God that I have made dear friends on this big wide platform of social media. When I make these more “journal-like posts” I often imagine that my dearest friends are reading and understanding me better, and with this thought, I feel peace.

I feel like I must now say after that last line. If you do know me and I do not reach out enough, or you feel rejected or looked over, I can almost positively say it is not you. I would ask you to let me know! I am probably in my head feeling unworthy or rejecting myself and have no true knowledge of what is happing.

I have recently been able to lay witness to a pretty tragic relationship. This particular relationship is messy and I’ll admit in a recent conversation when I should have been making it all about my friend, I twisted the situation and how I was feeling hurt by a situation within the situation. Thus, my true desire to just be there for my friend was ruined. Chalking it up to yet one more mistake on a long list of them, but this is where the growth comes in. I acknowledged the situation and took care of it way before it had time to fester. I have learned through therapy, through years of trying to be the best me possible that admitting you have a problem is the first step to healing. I would even say admitting you have a problem is the pot at the end of the rainbow. You are willing to see your issues, admit them when needed, and apologize. Then use that desire to be the best you possible to stay and hold up your promise to be the friend you can be proud of.

Bless you, if you have made it this far. I’m working on being a better friend, spouse, daughter, and your go-to social media darling. I do truly want you all to know, if you’re a reader of all my posts or you have by some chance got sucked into reading this, I hope that something I may say something to register with you that makes you understand how wonderful you are.

As far as March goes, we have St. Patrick’s Day on the 17 and April will be here before you know it. I hope this is a month filled with good luck, and finding the pots at the end of your rainbow. Remember you are loved, you are special, and you are valued. 🍀XOXO Evie