Welcome friends… and I imagine foes.
New Years has made my heart open to finally moving on. For a long time now, I have missed a life that I cannot go back to. I miss an age that is by far gone. I miss a health that has always been crap but less crappy. The list could go on and on. I could have put off writing this blog but I wanted to get it done and when it comes right down to it, I could not find my words. My desire is, I want to be focused on the NEW, of the year and hopefully that means a lot of GOOD. I have been on hold for quite some time now. Covid took most of our lives and squashed them to a complete halt. A few lucky people have been able to restart the lives they once had but not many. Some, like me,have not been able to restart their life at all. That Is what my New Year is going to be all about, starting anew. Having to finally say good bye to a life that once was and making the new life the life I,(and this goes for you as well,) have always wanted.
I do not like making resolutions because I do not like following the crowd, nor do I like “have to quest.” It really is each to their own liking. This year I am focused on my goals. These goals have no end date. They are just a call for current life to wake up and work on moving forward. I know that so many people today are hurting. There are wars going on in the world that have us all on edge. People aredying of war, of sickness, of fear of life. I pray for the world to open their hearts and souls up to peace, not craving control, and ultimately agreements that can cause peace to many nations on years to come. I pray for those that have lost loved ones this year. The pain to ease, the memory to live on. For me personally, 2023 was a year of losing family and friends to death. Some by health and some by mental illness. This made me really wake up to the pressures that people feel and how life can completely be cut short. It made me want to live 1000 times more. It made me think about my original goals of helping people with their mental health issues and really want to focus on that again.
This brings me to what I “owe” you all, my followers. I know all of you, my friends and enemy’s alike, wish to know so much about my personal life. I think you need to remember I am a normal person, with a semi normal life. I have feelings and fight my own demons just like you all do. I do not owe anyone any of my personal life. Will I share some of my personal life? Well of course. How can I help you if I do not share my own success and failures. So, here will go a short and brief personal statement before we move on.
My 2023 sucked in so many ways. My foot did not have the ultimate healing I hoped it would. I did not get the medical care done I was hoping to take care of and in return put to rest a worried mind. My life revolved around “if I felt good enough to get out of bed.” Breakfast, dress, bed, computer work, or recording, bed, wheel chair, tv and dinner, shower, and bed. That was exactly what my entire year was. I still do not have a social life here. There is a plus size community in Boston but my wheel chair is so wide that it does not fit many doors and cannot fit between isles or tables, so it does me no good to have a plus size community right now because I am not able to go out yet on my own two feet. My health has been hanging on. I am quite lucky. However, I have been plagued with rashes and breakouts on my face and neck. My HS has had flares all year long. Boy do I miss swimming pools and bath soaks. My skin was so much healthier when those two things were in my life. My essential tremors continue to worsen. Out of everything, it has scared me the most because I know how that ultimately ends. My heart has been doing as good as it possibly can with the weight of the world on it. Not to mention my actual weight gain. My foot.. I lost my doctor to another hospital so therefore my surgery, after all the hoops I went through to get it, was never had. So, I walk around with screws and pain. Thankfully, I can handle the pain, and most days I move with out help. I do have to use the wheel chair in public for mobility reasons. My weight, my foot, my invisible aches and pains, as well as my very noticeable lipedema and lymphedema.
Now for all the other parts of my life that people tend to love to hear about. My relationship with my sweet Jeremy. While we are no longer engaged, and we do not know if we will ever be again, we are at a better place than earlier in the year. To put it simple my recovery was extremely hard for him and he found himself questing life with me. This hurt me, and quiet honestly pissed me off. Then a bunch of life decisions was made with out me and my hurt turned into more anger. Which at that time I called off our engagement. Then he called our relationship off. Then we took time and let things slide, let go of the anger and focused on why we loved each other. Somehow, we both arrived at similar thoughts and we are going to give us a chance to move forward together. Regroup and focus on what we both want not only in a relationship but in life in general.
Then there is my ex and my relationship. We want each other to have happiness, love, and joy. He is a doctor now and dates. I am happy for him. There just will be no more questions answered about him. Our relationship is to full of poison to continue. I still only have contact with one sister-in-law (the one married to my ex’s brother) She and I have been very close and I love her girls like they were my own. I wish I had been able to stay in the same contact with my ex’s sister but she felt it not best. God knows I miss her and her kiddos so much. This is part of my past I must move on from. However, my nieces give me up dates on their cousins occasionally and that is all I can hope for.
My mom and I are doing beautifully as our relationship grows. I can truly say when I talk about my past it is like I am not even talking about the mom I know today. She has really put in the work. this year has not been great for mom medically, mom had a bad fall this year and is still going to doctors about it trying to get the surgeries in order that she needs taken care of. She is so brave and strong. I love and admire that part of her a lot.
Of course, a lot of you are invested in my heart and soul being ripped out when my sweet Belle went across the rainbow bridge. My heart has not healed. Her little feet all over the floor, I can shut my eyes and see her. She was and is all my heart. I think I am ready for a new baby pup but because of all the financial responsibilities that go along with a pup, that dream will stay on pause.
As for as my social media presence. I want to make my presence more meaningful. Less trying to buy and sale things, and much more sharing of mental health and life issues.
I hope this is all the questions that have been floating around. Thank you for being part of my world.
Xoxo
Evie
Finding Evie 