Every February I talk about my papaw and our pack to be forever Valentines. This year it hit me he has been gone for 15 years and my Nana has been gone for 26 years. She has been gone more years than I had with her. I was only 18 when she passed. Is this what getting older is? It seems that a lot of the “adults” I knew is now coming to the end of their lives. I have even mourned classmates and family that have lost their lives one way or another. Is life just a series of goodbyes?
I know this is not the kind of post one would expect to see at the beginning of the “love” month. You know me I do not always stay within the lines of what is normal or expected. Plus, this has really been on my mind. I do not like growing old yet I do not want to move on either. In fact, death scares me to no end. As-long-as I remember I have been terrified of dying. Even when I felt spiritually right. My boyfriend and I was speaking about death one day and he says he is not scared to die. This amazes me because He does not believe in God or heaven. He believes in just dying and poof. This scares me for him. If you have followed me for any amount of time you know that I am a Christian by faith and while my life has been a poor excuse of an example of a Christian person, I still really try to obtain the peace that comes with being a true Christian. My faith reminds me that my dear Grandparents are in heaven and one day If I live the correct way, I will be joined with them.
Another taboo thing about my faith, I was taught that when someone dies, they go to heaven and are united with loved ones. However, those love ones (as we will also) will have no memory of those family and friends that has not made it to heaven. They will only know the ones that arrive. Why you ask? Well, I was told that there is no sadness and no sorrow in heaven. IF people could see down from heaven or remember those that did not make it, they would be forever sad. Even typing this I know how some people will very much want to tell me how wrong I am. Please remember this is what I was taught from the bible by my family and my church. I have been Church of the Nazarene my entire life. My Papaw was a pastor. My nana a pastor’s wife and a Devout Christian. My beliefs may not be yours but please respect my beliefs as I respect you. I would never attack someone for believing differently.
Love and life have been an ongoing ride that I have not learned to smoothly do. I am a beginner driver and am all over the road often getting stuck in deep ruts. My faith always makes me feel comforted and it gives me something to hold on to when I am worried or scared. This past year was one of the hardest years I have had in a long time, I all but gave up and now I am suffering physically. I tried had to keep a positive outlook but things just kept piling on top of me. With all the days in bed left me thinking more And more about my grandparents, heaven, and the constant goodbyes we must face more and more the older we get.
This January I have taken to my bed, having one health issue after another. My life seemed to be ending right in front of my eyes and no matter how positive I was trying to spin things I was losing control, spinning each day more and more. Living here in a very cold New England (US) area where the winters reach further and further each year, with its cold temps, dark days, either snow or rain my mood never has a chance to rise. Even though I love the fresh snow it does not stay fresh snow very long. I have not been out of the house in three years except to head to the doctor’s office or my long stay in the hospital. My faith being tested daily it seems. It left me thinking about self-love, and how very important it is to incorporate. I took to bed with out to much guilt for the self-care my body needed, but my mental health suffered greatly. We cannot have self-love without stable mental health.
Here at last we are tying back around to February. Today is the first and already I have done some things I again put off to the last moments, but I am feeling good that it is done. I am here finding myself just writing my feeling and thoughts like I want be judged. Although, I imagine I will be. I realized my questions is life just a series of goodbyes may have been a harsh glass half empty statement. We can also turn it around to life is a constant changing of life, experiences, feelings, expectations, ever loss and ever gain, is a chance to learn and experiences something new. We can learn much from the Glass half full theory. My grandparents loved me so well, that I know they would want me to thrive in my life, feel confident in my life, and to never ever give up on life. I have thought a great deal about love and how hard it can be to love one’s self. In this day it is very hard to have great mental health and positive selflove. So, we must dig deep beauties, glass half full, follow your heart & your common since, and think of loved ones past that help you love who you are. Dig deep in to your mental health journey making self-love a hug part of your journey. Happy February! If you have made it here, I am thankful. You are part of why I keep trying. Much love and God bless you …
XOXO
Evie
Finding Evie 