I recently watched “The Fall Out” it was about a girl that had experienced being in a school shooting. It proceeds to explain about this girl, her family, and her friends and the adjustments that had to be made, and how they each took the knowledge that this terrible thing could happen to them or someone they love. The movie went through how the girl struggled with the idea of why was she left behind when others were not. I highly recommend the movie to adults.
I sat there and began to cry at different parts of the movie. For one, I remember the fears I had at school at times. I remember wishing I could be anywhere other than where I was. Of course, school shootings were not a common thing when I was young, but I grew up in an age of Gang-related violence being on the rise and violence between rival schools, sexual harassment, and bomb threats.
I cried also for the feelings I had when my nieces and nephews started back to school each year. The feeling I had as I sat in the living room of my in-laws while one of the uncles explained what to do in case of a shooter, to kids ranging in age from five and up. My heart jumped every time we would hear of a new school shooting. We were always thankful to God, it was not our kids but broken because it was someone else’s.
I cried because this past year I got the news from Jeremy that the oldest son’s school was on lockdown. There had been a stabbing. It may or may not had happened, but just the idea that it was to the point there had been a lockdown due to a dangerous situation set me to worry.
How do parents do this with their tiny young children? I have a feeling I would figure out a way to home-school. I know that I would not be able to let my child go every day to known dangerous situation.
That is where this blog takes a turn. I mentioned I cried because of the above reasons, but one of the biggest reasons was because I know what it feels like to be left and wonder why people that have passed away or are killed are gone, but I’m still here. I have never felt understood.
I could continue to lie and say my social media break had solely been the fault of the internet and such, but I allowed the medication to take over, let me sleep way into the evening time, and the fuzz of too much sleep, I got to the point where I knew I had to stop. I was struggling when I watched this movie and it reminded me of what I was doing and why it didn’t help me to avoid the things I was trying to avoid.
Right before my medication changed I had a friend pass away. I have said this way too many times in my life, but this felt different, this friend was my age, she had a lot of losses in her life and she had a lot of wins. Where she was in her physical journey was a win. While I was in the hospital she would cheer me up quite often and then she was back in the hospital herself. We would check on each other and hope for the best. There was one main difference though, she was fighting for her life back because she had children who she loved dearly. My will to live is fear of dying, and I worry my mom would break if I passed before her. So through all of this, I let the medication I was given just flow through me. I didn’t abuse it, I simply took the dose prescribed. However, I realized quickly it was way too much and I had to lower it down, but for two weeks I slept…
From the moment I heard of my friends passing, I felt like all the oxygen in the room had been sucked out. I could not breathe. I felt that way many times before, even recently. While I was in the hospital, I heard that my third cousin had died by suicide. My body begin to feel light and heavy at the same time. Everything started spinning, how could this be?
My friend so wanted to be alive. She wanted to see her kids finish growing. Yet she was gone. My cousin had a family that adored him, a kid that is his twin that I know he loved so much. Both times I felt guilt for being alive. I felt guilty for wanting to die, battling suicidal thoughts, and here were two people who went and I was still here.
When I first started attending church in Long Island I bonded with a man that somehow understood my pain and my tears. He would sit down and speak to me, after the bible study and it changed me. This man who was almost a stranger to me took my hand in his, wiped my tears with his other hand, and told me as he looked me in the eyes, you matter, you are loved, you are worthy and you deserve to be alive. Because yes even back then in my early 30s I had to fight to want to be alive. Mr. Roger was a hero to me after that.
The thing I learned most from this movie that I watched is that humans share emotions. We all think we are so different, but in reality, we aren’t. I love watching things that make me think and make me have real emotions and this movie did that. I am pretty sure it wasn’t meant to be so fundamental in other feelings outside of school shootings, but in the end, it was such a message I had to write about it.
Finding Evie 