Let’s Talk (Fat Talk & Age Talk)

How old is old? When you look in the mirror and see your mother?

Birth to 17- Fear/responsibility/Fear/being a child

18-24- Feelings of Depression/loss/immaturity living like there was no tomorrow/size crippled me to not living

24 – 31- hope for the future/getting my education/falling in love/moving to a new place/losing weight but more importantly getting back to life…

31-35 Living the good life/ active /social/spiritual / getting married/ working two jobs/ exploring on my own

35-42- Surviving health, wreck, cheating husband/Depending on food to regulate moods/Divorce/ New relationship / a move/ free access to treats/adjustment to teenage boys/losing independence/losing my ability & wanting to be active.

42–to current day- Failed weight loss/ health issues/work stress/happy relationship/feeling ashamed of allowing myself to be this helpless again.

In three and a half months I’ll be 44! Not necessarily old, just not young. I’m ok with getting older. I am just not ok with all the life I missed. Some of that life has been lost solely because of my own choices. If you don’t know this feeling let me, just say it sucks to know you are the cause of your own suffering in most ways.

I don’t talk a lot about my weight because in life my weight is not a huge issue except for two things: I can not get around in life, hardly at all. I can’t get some of the medical care I need because of my weight. This isn’t a story of a fat girl whose entire life was miserable etc. This is a story about how a fat girl went from being 250 lbs. to 700 plus lbs., Losing weight to get down to 500 then gaining back to 700 plus, then losing and getting down to 350, having to gain some weight so my wedding dress would fit- back up to 400. Stayed at 400/420 for four years. Then gradually my weight went up to 520. For the next two years I’d stay at that weight. Then after my move, I started gaining. I was depressed, I was happy, I was around food I had not been around for years. Now I am 630lbs. What I have lost since my weight began tipping the 600 number are the things I love. 

You are thinking Evie is one who preaches to us to love the body where we are at, and everyone is beautiful among other things.  That is right – I do preach that very thing. Which I am practicing at this very moment. I try to find all the things about my body each day that I am thankful for. While I do that there is still the part of me that longs to go shop till I drop or go on a hike, be self-sufficient, go out with friends to have an adventure, and most of all I want to be able to take care of all my in the house needs as well as wants that I need to be able to carry out, like painting for instance. These walls need painting but considering I know I can’t hold out to do it, I don’t remind Jeremy that we need to pick paint. 

Thus, here is the difficult part. Not only can I not do things I want to, I know that I went back to the depths of despair *(I want to note, that some that are my size do not feel this way and or do a much better job than I do getting around) that I had already fought myself once. Letting myself down is the hardest part of gaining weight outside of the actual weight gain in regards to what it does to my body’s health. 

Now we can swing back around to the age portion of this blog… One of the reasons I think my weight gain has hit me so hard is my age. Carrying around this amount of weight at 20 is a lot different than 40. My body has aged, my strength is not the same and the way I feel due to how I gained my weight back onto my body is all affecting me. In my 20s my weight was distributed evenly and then mostly in my belly. This time around the weight has settled in my middle causing a lot of extra pressure to be around my heart and lungs which if you know me are my problem areas. Causing an already weak heart to work extra hard in a cramped space.  Now I do not know the science behind this but we can look at about anything even say a car a newer car just runs more efficiently, and smoother than a car that is older. It comes from the mileage, what has been put in it, how much it hauled, terrain it covered, and if regular check-ups had been had. 

Don’t even get me started on weight loss in an older body. Nothing works like it used to. I could lose up to 20 lbs. in a week in the old days and now I’ll be lucky if I lose lbs. a week. This also maybe because I’m not willing to look up a diet and follow it. I just will not refuse my body, tastebuds, of things that make them say yummy and stay satisfied. This is where you may say well stop complaining. I’m not complaining I am just getting off my chest what seems to be a devil on my shoulder. 

Don’t get me wrong, my wish is to get to where I can exercise daily, take care of myself, go on adventures and live life to the fullest. My 40-year-old body is only going to get older, my love for food doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, and avoidance of diets is also staying in contact. What is my plan? 

The short answer is “do my best.” The long answer is I’m going to try, and move my body more, stop snacking so much and remind myself I can have whatever I want, food is not in shortage, and no one telling me not to eat something. It’s my decision, my choice, my life. If I want my life to be a certain way, I have to make some changes. Facts are Facts. 

Looking around online it seems like everyone is losing weight. For the past two years, I have surrounded myself online with people who are fat and are almost anti-weight loss. Now those very same people for the most part are losing weight. Some are very open; some hide their secrets. In the past few months, I felt like my feed went from a fat-positive to an I am losing weight, look at me! 

Is it weird that I want to lose weight, I want to relish that feel-good emotion but DO not want to make it a part of Findingevie? I once would have loved being told my weight loss was amazing, I looked wonderful but I guess you can say I felt that was all just too fake and I hated myself for getting off on being told my weight loss was amazing. Plus, I have always struggled with things related to my weight being the only reason I was being paid attention to. I am so much more than a fat woman, woman related to age, beauty, or any one thing you want to attach to this statement. I don’t believe that clout should come from how much you weigh. Food for thought: So are you. You are more than what you look like, or feel like! XOXO, Evie

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