Here we are on March 25, 2022. To you, this date may not mean too much but to me, it is the day that I officially began this blog. 3 years ago I was so scared and so in awe of how my boyfriend had so much faith in me that he bought me my own webspace. I never had someone other than my grandfather who had that much faith in me, feeling I will succeed, even if it is something that may not work out. I also had a great friend who basically put this website together for me. I would not have been able to begin this crazy path I have been on without him. Although we are no longer in contact, I still give him all the credit for getting my butt in gear. Now I have a dear friend working with me. She has become a crucial part of the equation. I am on a regular posting schedule, and life is expanding for me. It is amazing how someone can bloom when people have faith in them.
“Here I am starting something new. It feels like the word ‘again’ should be in there somewhere. Again, I’m trying something new. I’m a bit scared, quite like that saying, feeling like a ‘fish out of water’ type feeling, and I’m not sure what the future holds. Many humans go through phases. We have begin to think of grade school, high school, college, starting new job, a marriage, raising kids, 20 years of growing said kids, retirement, and death to be the stages of life. Throw in a few life crises and vacations and there you have a ‘normal life’.” – Excerpt from my March 25th, 2019 blog.
2019 – I was full of fear, full of pain, and full of uncertainty. I was beginning to feel like a normal person, which is something I have always struggled with. I never feel like I fit in and I am always marching to my own tune. I am not sure why I can’t just be ok with cookie cutting myself but never ever have I been able to.
In that first blog, I talked about all my life crises’. If you really want to know, I think in a way I have been going through yet another crisis in recent months. This year I will be 44 and I didn’t have a child. I thought I would before 45. Most know that is the year I forced my heart to understand babies won’t happen and I have to come to terms with it for good. Well, I have been trying to come to terms with it now. Why wait when you know it isn’t going to happen. With that, I have been opening my heart to other plans. Other life desires. I think most people, as they approach 50, have that scary moment when they know more than half of their life has now passed by. I try not to dwell on that.
In 2019 I did not know that life would all but shut down soon, and it is the year I wish I could have back. I would have been out more, I would have tried to connect with friends more, I would have lived and laughed in public more. I would have shopped, and eaten out more. I would have lived that year so much different if I could just go back. I had a good 2019 and life was just simpler then.
What has happened in the years since then? I have had to conjure up the inner strength I have within me. I have had to watch events happen that I could have no control over. I lost my last grandparent, my grandfather’s second wife who was a lady I had known since birth. My mom went through a hurricane and lost her home, and could have lost her life. Covid hit, we were all banished to our homes, I lost friendships that meant the world to me, I met new friends online, I became more serious with what I wanted my “job” to be. My presence on Instagram went into the thousands and just kept moving up. I also went through a lot of health issues, both physical and mental. The one thing that stood steady was my Jeremy and his love and understanding. Our love grew and we became engaged.
Between 2019 and 2022 I have grown as a person. My mind has been cleared of a lot of pain and hurt. I have eaten my feelings and now have reached a point with my mobility that I am having to really buckle down and try to fight to get back to a good place because trust me I have so much life to live. My life here in this weird little town, where it’s not the city nor country. I have a man that loves me, his kids and at least I can say one of them returns my love. They are healthy and happy. I have great friends that love me and help me. I still have contact with at least two of my nieces. My Belle has outlived what the vet and we thought she would. My mom is in her new home, I have somewhat made peace with my ex, and I have this blog and all my socials, and the people I have met through them.
While I have a lot of things to straighten out, I have so much hope for the future. In three years when we look back, I wonder how this space will be different once again. I hope you are there and continue to hang out with me throughout this crazy thing we call life. XOXO, Evie
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Finding Evie 