I am always catching up. My readers, my friends, how are you? I wonder sometimes how people can really enjoy being alone. I use to value time alone but now; I am alone a lot. For the first time I have noticed, loneliness is situational. I can be alone as of right now, the phone is quiet, the mood outside is the quietness after the storm and no other noise but my very loud oxygen producing machine. I do not feel alone. Give me five minutes and I may feel totally different.
How do we escape loneliness? Mine has been so deeply embedded I don’t know if I’ll ever feel totally alive again. Even now since someone is in my life that I can love. I get this deeply lonely feeling and end up calling him at all hours like a drug I’m dependent on. I will never know for the life of me, why when I feel the loneliest that I withdraw. It is if all my very refined friendly abilities leave me. One day I’ll be at my best and Ill reach out make promises to stay in contact and then loneliness hits and I withdraw. I become a bear at winter. Don’t mess with me and I’ll stay in my little hole for as long as I need to and then once the cold leaves “loneliness” I’ll be back out to socialize. While I am no doctor I imagine because we feel at our absolute worse and we want to spare the people we love and care about from this unattractive side of us this is the solution we take.
What does loneliness look life for me. Well, it normally looks much like you would think it to look. I stop eating, I lay in bed for as many hours as possible, I don’t watch tv, I don’t cook, I clean though. Boy, do I clean, or maybe you can call it making messes that cause me anxiety and stress till I have done away with them. Yup maybe that is a more accurate description of cleaning. I will create all the huge task like rearranging my closet, or stuffed animals, or kitchen cabinets. It is so constant that I try and keep my place tip top status and that way Ill not want to mess it up and therefore when lonely ill not create such chores that stress me out so much. The final stage is me watching endless you tube videos of cute cows, crazy Karen’s (not my term just what they are called), and people doing yards.
Do you recognize when the loneliness is coming on? Do you know how to keep from getting to a place that feels like you can not come back from? For me it seems like if I keep my self-busy, keep my self-involved in others’ lives, do what I can to avoid ideas, people , thoughts that bring me down. The biggest thing is to not let my head get to involved in the things bothering me. I have to turn the problems or situations into what they are and not destroy my self with what I think they mean.
I hope you readers, my beauties, don’t have these deep lonely situations but if you complete normal maybe you do. I hope you can not blame yourselves but just lean into making you better. Do it for you and the people in your life will benefit.
For now, my loves I shall go. Stay present into the beautiful moments of life and Ill make no promises of when Ill be back, but I will try to see you soon.
XOXO
Evie
Finding Evie 