Is it just me or was it just September? Probably just me, I did lose two months in the hospital, then another in bed here at home.
How am I, that seems to be the million-dollar question lately? I am a no big deal blogger, but I do blog, vlog, Instagram, TikTok, and Facebook. That gets a lot of people thinking they should know my every feeling, move, and thoughts. The truth is I haven’t known what my own thoughts are lately. That being said, let me share with you what I as a smaller content creator present feels on a daily basis, which makes me have so much empathy for the bigger names in the business.
The public in general did take it easy on me when I was in the hospital (I wish I could say friends did, I lost a couple (of what I thought were) very good friends in the healing process). However, I was doing updates almost daily it felt like. The moment I came home, that changed. I have had people at the opposite ends of the spectrum tell me everything from – “You think you are too good for rehab”, to ”OMG you’re home, you must be so happy.”
Truth is I am happy to be out of the Hospital. I am glad to be home with Jeremy, the boys, and my dear Belle. Every day I watch Belle just go about her business of playing with her toys, keeping the back of the sofa warm, stretching like she’s a cat and I think how lucky I am to have my ole gal here with me, and I’m with her, able to watch her being her. I am happy to wake up and go to sleep nestled in my bed with my guy. I am happy I get to see the boys on the weekend, being away from them was harder than I imagined it to be. Even if I only get to see them as much as any parent sees their kids on the weekends.
What I am not happy about is the extra stress and strain I have put on Jeremy although he assures me that he prefers me home with strain than not having me here. Honestly, that feels good to know but still, I feel really bad for not being able to do more for myself. I get PT, OT, and a nurse during the week so I am somewhat taken care of in the area of health care. However, this entire stress of getting a ramp also weighed heavily on me till I just gave it up to Jeremy to handle. All the go-between was becoming way too stressful of a situation for him and me. Then there is the strain on my body.
Gaining back weight I had lost, yet not really pigging out or snacking. Putting stress on my body by having to pull and push myself around in bed, getting up from the bed, sofa, wheelchair, and whatever other furniture I am on. Then there is the standing itself. My non-weight-bearing rule has gone out the window. It’s impossible for a five hundred-plus pound chick to only use one leg to get around. I seriously think the doctor should have put on a walking hard cast and hoped for the best. They knew I may not be able to get back for that first visit, so now I am going 6 weeks instead of 3 for a check-up. So much damage could be occurring for not having my ankle sturdy. What am I to do? I can’t just lay here for months on end.
So needless to say, I have progressively gone further and further away from social media. It has been truly hard to be present in the light of the public and their opinions. Remember those supposed friends? I actually had one tell me that I thought I was too good for rehab. That was not it at all. I was never opposed to rehab. I was opposed to getting stuck in a nursing home. So, I will not lie, from the beginning I didn’t want to think about the rehab option because I knew what the insurance would do, and that is exactly what it did. For one we tried every rehab situation in a 50-mile radius all around my town. NOTHING – either there were no beds/rooms or they did not take my insurance. The one place that was found was over a 2 and half-hour drive from Boston so that means 3 and half hours from home. It was not happening. No way was I going further away from home. I would only be able to see Jeremy once a week if that was the case. I was just not willing to do that to him or me. That isn’t all the opinions were about.
Opinion number 2 came from a friend (same one as above) and strangers who thought they knew me and my situation. The entire GoFundMe situation really upset some people. They said I was just another fat person asking for handouts or the other side of it, a fat person telling me they thought I was different and how could I ask for handouts and make fat people look bad. Now I will say this just for the sake of this post but I don’t like to go around saying what “good deeds” I have done. I have and will continue to support people whom I think really need help. I normally do that under the “anonymous” sign. I don’t think you should do a kind deed just to be known for doing it. Some in fact may be annoyed that I didn’t give money when in fact I may have, just I did it anonymously. Either way, I have gone through the wringer about this. I’m just going to say this. If you have never been able to drop 8,ooo dollars in one single drop then you can have an opinion but if you drop 8,ooo dollars without thinking then you have no ability to speak on this particular matter. We will be ok money-wise, but we don’t have enough at this moment to just drop 8,ooo. If it were not for Jeremy, I would not have anything at all. So, therefore, when my friend made me a GoFundMe, I was more than willing to use it as a way of getting this ramp. I’d like to say that we have enough for a down payment, but the upcoming monthly payments for the next five months are huge for us and we could still use all the help we could get on this project.
I’m not going to lie, I forced myself to record a couple of things recently and have yet to post them. I have just felt so out of the loop with social media. I feel like I am constantly playing catch-up. I had been in such a good up-and-coming status before the hospital and now I feel like I am back to day one. Either way, I am thankful for the good friends I do have who have proven themselves over and over. I am thankful for a spouse that literally loves me so much. So, I may not be super present but I am working on it. Thank you for your support to those that have helped out either financially or just by being there for me. Just do me one favor, Go a little easy on your favorite social media influences, content creators, etc. Give them a holiday full of support and kindness because it isn’t always easy being in front of the camera.
Happy December … XOXO Evie
Finding Evie 