I have a long history of a long line of therapists, whom I did not trust. I have been burned many times when trusting a therapist. Since moving to Mass. I have had a therapist who I connected with, who I trusted, and who I formed a bond with. This past month I am having my therapy session and my trusted therapist says to me, Evie, I do not think that I am helping you anymore. You have come a long way but we keep rehashing the same material. I began to get warm all over, my hands being shaken and my heart was pumping way too fast. I begin to fumble for things to say, fumble to get some words out that will make her know that I need her, and I promise I’ll stop talking about these issues I talk about all the time. I fumbled. I didn’t say the right thing. I knew this, so I just went quiet, hearing the rejection as she tried to backpedal out of this conversation. There is no going back.
I am trying to think about the smart thing to do. I’m trying to remember I have this huge need to be unalive and I need therapy. I need constant check-ups; I need to know someone is watching over me. As of yesterday, when my sweet therapist who I felt was a friend gave up on me, Or is she just doing her job?
She explained that therapy in her particular practice was meant to help people get better and move to a new type of therapy. Sometimes exceptions are made “like for me”. She took me on longer than she does a normal client. I didn’t understand this at the beginning. I may have not signed up. I was looking for a long-term person that could know me and give me the comfort of knowing I had someone on my side, to tell me what I’m thinking is crap or Good. A person that I could just tell life to and get helpful feedback to keep me on the good path. This is how I have felt for the past four years. I have felt good about my improvements, and the way my mind handles things. Even some of my worst actions such as self-harm have stopped. Or is it because of therapy? The idea that I had someone checking on me making sure I was ok was what had me stopped and not actually healing.
In the last 24 hours, I have thought a lot about this. I thought about how I instantly wanted to self-harm. How last night in the shower my water was hotter than ever and my scrubs were more intense than they should have been. I have since done some research. So apparently googling “So my therapist wants to break up with me” will lead you to the internet black hole. However, a few of the articles did hit me and made sense. In one article I read “don’t take it personally. You are probably not the only one that feels the bond, because of that bond, your therapist is doing the best for you that they can. If they feel like their help is doing you any good to be an improved person more then, it is out of the care they are suggesting a change “breakup.”
I took time to think about my therapist, and I know she cares for my well being. I think what I was feeling when she announced this to me was shame. I felt like she didn’t see the changes in me that I felt/ worked hard for. I felt shame that she was tired of hearing me talk about the same ole problems (my simple life) and she just didn’t want to hear it anymore. I felt shame that I depended on her. In these thoughts, I think I understand why she feels the need to break up, she thinks I need more help than she can give. I’ll be honest I still feel like I have done something wrong, not healed enough, not improved enough not enough but thanks to her therapy I know those are thoughts that are born from past trauma not actually what is going on.
At last, I guess I am in the market for a new therapist. I feel another blog post coming. BIG HUGS TO ANYONE GOING THROUGH THE SAME ISSUES. I hope like me you can realize it is not what is happening that is hurting as much as your built-in feelings from past trauma triggering these feelings that are manifesting in our brains.
While I was writing this, I didn’t realize how much anxiety that was building. In fact, I got up to go to the ladies’ room and when I came back and sat at my workstation, I felt such a huge anxiety attack looming. I grabbed my popper bubbles and went to work on them. It’s crazy how something so simple can really calm you down. I think why my anxiety was hitting the ruff is I began to worry that you my readers may take this as another reason not to get therapy. I want to express this clearly; I WOULD NOT GO BACK AND NOT HAVE HAD THIS TIME IN THERAPY. It has made me feel more human than anything else ever had. It showed me what good therapy means and feels like. I felt supported and like the team behind me wanted me to be better for myself. So please if you need to seek out therapy do all the steps you need to so you can be blessed with a true method of healing.
- Please seek help immediately if you are having suicidal or self-harm thoughts Don’t wait till it’s too late.