Diary 101 #10: Who Am I?

Dear Diary:

I am getting old, and with that comes confusion. In my younger Life, I wanted to be the “rich girl”, the one with all the style and class but instead, I was a poor girl who was clumsy and awkward. Then in my 20’s I wanted to be wild and crazy. In my 30’s I tried to be a med student/Dr. wife which meant wearing a lot of polos and cardigans. Then when things went bad, I tried to be a sexy/emo girl. Now, I am not sure what I want to be or am. 

I just realized my entire life I have worn mainly what other people wanted me to wear. I realized that clothes no matter what size I was in were always hard to find and if found too expensive to get. Being a fat girl is not for the faint of heart. I always loved movie characters that could take a funky outfit and turn it into a wow number. I just was never crafty like that. 

I do find myself most comfortable in black. In colored clothes, I feel so pressured to be upbeat and smile. I feel like people see your color or your pattern and do not see you. Black is a blank canvas. I like to be seen.  I hate that people stereotype fat women that wear black. I actually used to never wear black because I thought if I look this big in black what would they think? So, I never wore black. 

This past year the style of sneakers and dresses flew into style and I had a hard time with it. I used to hate more than anything having to wear sneakers with dresses every day of my young life. It’s funny at what seems like the end of the world when we are young but if anything, my 44-year-old self agrees more with me than my 5 & 16-year-old self in regards to wanting to wear sneakers with dresses. Trust me I got one pair of shoes at Christmas; I’d get church shoes. Easter I would normally get sandals.  So that was my choice until I became a teenager and could wear my friend’s shoes. Praise God I had one that had a lot of old shoes. 

The Findingevie of the past? I would call her shabby chic or some version of that. Honestly, I don’t know anymore now. I love band tees, and statement tees. I live in black nail polish mainly, my hair? Well, I don’t have a style, and I am 90% of the time barefoot. I also love wearing dresses and jewelry. I like flashy and boho. I like being seen and I like the style but most of the time my style is no one else. Apparently, I have taken over the teen’s style because I basically have started living in shorts and sweatshirts/hoodies. I swear I don’t know where I picked that up from other than I am cold a lot on top way more than bottom… When someone asks me what my style is, I awkwardly say put pearls on a band tee and there you go. Is that a scene?

XOXO, Evie


3 thoughts on “Diary 101 #10: Who Am I?

  1. I 100% agree..these days I live in my husbands t-shirts and jogger, socks and sandals with a mom bun and a long loose cardigan. I have no style now, compared to when I was younger. I need to get myself back, but I don’t know where to start.

    Liked by 1 person

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