A Love Letter To An Older Me

Dearest Esther or Evie (what name are you using now?)

Baby Esther and Mrs. Esther / The Precious Lady that I was named after.

Talking about names, did you ever go back to being called Esther? If not, what does an older Evie think of being called a nickname of your middle name instead of your given name over half our life? If you want to know how we feel about being called Evie currently? Well to be honest every time I hear Esther I look around for Harris or mom. Mom has always refused to call me anything but Esther unless she was mad at me and then it would be ESTHER EVELYN… (DO you remember that?) Then when married to Harris anytime, he was mad at us he would use ESTHER. So, for now, in my mid-forties, I am perfectly fine with Evie.

This is being written in August, our birthday month. I decided to put content aside and talk about the things I love and write letters to myself at different ages. I love to write letters. Sometimes I would prefer to write a letter then have a phone conversation. A letter is like watching a really good tv series and you have to wait one or two weeks before it comes back on. No one really writes letters which is sad. At least I still have Christmas. Do you remember sending out Christmas cards for nana and then for yourself? We took over mailing to the ladies Nanna did to just make sure a little part of Nana lived on. Most of those ladies have passed on, and I have moved on to family and relations I have formed online. 

Mentioning online, please don’t let me hear that you have become one of those old women with a smartphone and you do not know how to use it. Mom currently texts at least once a week if not once a day that something is wrong with her brand-new phone. I assure her it is not her phone she just needs an internet box and some WIFI. She always comes up with an excuse I guess at 73 I can’t complain about her. She is getting older and not only do I see nana in her face I see myself there as well. You Know I never truly minded that everyone said we looked like mom. For the most part, she was and is to this day beautiful. For mom to reach 90 she would be here only 27 more years. Which seems very sad. Maybe this is the age of 70 that we will be in the 27years that this letter is addressed. 

My mom and I at age 44 and 74
My Nana and I (she was 18 or 19 here and I’m 40 here)

The fact that we would still be alive at 70 is mind-blowing. God, I hope it is true. I hope we Americans have gotten some sense of ourselves.  America is not doing good at the moment. We are being witnessed to so many things that are just insane. Gun violence use to be what we read about in forging countries of compressed peoples that needed to be saved. Now it is our children shooting for no reason. We are the nation that needs to be saved. We could be the most respected country in the world but instead, we have become a joke. It’s sad. I pray for our country.  

I pray for you as well. I pray that you make it to 70 and feel more accomplished than I currently do. Right now, the only thing in my life that I am really proud of was my wedding (I planned it from the floor up even though the marriage didn’t last, the wedding always will be fond memory). The three years I worked two jobs, all the weight I lost gave me a life that I had never known before, and being an aunt for 9 years. I feel like I gave my all to those things and am proud of it. 

Our family is not known for good memory at the age of 70. In fact, it is one of the things I’m most scared of. IF I don’t die young, I will be all alone in a nursing home somewhere no one visits and I tire myself out every day thinking about my past and getting it confused with my present. Oh how I hope this is not your life. Just in case it is. I want to give you 10 things to think about – that makes us currently happy as well to think about. I’ll list them in order as they happened.

  1. Papaw (just everything about papaw)
  • Teaching u to drive the big red tractor
  • Teaching you how to hammer a nail in the pulpit of Holly Grove Church as he built it. 
  • Teaching me to whistle, say tongue twisters, play basketball, love cows, sit like a lady etc
  • Teaching me to be kind and loving
  1. Nana and our relationship when we were an older teenager. 
  • The joy she had the day it sort of snowed calling me to tell me to look out the window… 
  • The way she prayed
  • How very proud of you she was 
  1. Dogs- you have had some of the best dogs. Trouble, blackie, Roxane, Daisy Mae, Ginger, Sabrina, Chole, Belle, and many others… 
  2. Mom, and our relationship is good. She has been such a constant line of support since I moved to Ny. It’s like I finally got a mother that really loves me. 
  • The way her biscuits or so ugly but so good
  • The way she tries to be a good person
  • She really is pretty even if she can’t see it
  • The way she smells. It’s silly but I just want to smell my mom .. 
  • How she never gives up…
  • How she rallies to support herself 
  • She’s so smart and skilled. It’s impressive.
  1. Your nieces and nephews every moment with them were moments worth remembering. 
  • Kailani
  • Leila
  • Jayden
  • Collin
  • Elly
  • And now having Arthur (your brother’s son)
  1. Jeremy – who if things work out will be my husband one day – Hopefully still both driving each other crazy. He would be 77 or 78. If I were 70. 
  • Remember the love
  • Remember how he believed in you
  • Remember just how amazing it was to have someone that didn’t want you to be hurt. 
  • The sex that too very worth remembering. (Hopefully, that is still alive and well) as mom would say you are never too old for sex. 
  1. Online career. I hope you have made your place and somewhere someone remembers you from your content years. All I ever wanted was to help people. 
  2. James- he is our oldest boy (Jeremy’s son) He gave you a run for your money but thankfully we currently are doing really good and it makes my heart so full. 
  3. Andrew my baby (Jeremy’s son) loves trains I bet he still does. He filled a space in me that was so empty. Always be my baby. 
  4. Happy moments. How amber was always there, how friends over the years have changed but all of the true friends have been life-altering. Remember that you had people in different phases of life that choose you!

Over all I hope you are happy, I hope that you have had many years of it and know that you are ready to go to heaven when your time comes. Just so you can remember what you use to look like at 44!

Not bad at all!!!




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