I have to make changes. It is just facts. The way I take care of myself has been lacking on many fronts for some time. When I moved to MA. I was in decent shape. I had gained weight before I got here, but I had no plans to gain more. However, even though I had a pretty active lifestyle at first, I did begin to gain weight. A lot of things contributed to it, the biggest was I was depressed and trying to get through my divorce. Let me repeat – no matter if you are the one to leave, a divorce is not easy. I was also eating foods I had not eaten in a long time such as pork, and all the things that you can’t have if you don’t eat pork. I also was getting to order what I wanted on menus and not just the cheapest thing on it. I had full access to sweets, breads, etc. I also began drinking cokes and juices again. I was like a kid in a candy store. I wanted it all to make up for all the years I couldn’t have it.
Health wise, my asthma was beginning to get worse with every winter since I moved here. I was having problems getting doctors to help me with my health issues such as lymphedema and lipedema, with my heart and lungs. It started becoming frustrating. It would take me two more years to get the doctor situation under control. In those two years, the swelling from Lymphedema and Lipedema really took over my legs. My lungs got worse and worse to the point it literally would depend on if it was a good breathing day if I got out of bed. My GP just didn’t help. I’m sure she thought I could not breathe because I was fat. I am now able to say it was 100 percent my asthma. Now don’t get me wrong, I still get out of breath, but that is a totally different feeling than not being able to breathe from asthma.
The way I used to exercise kept my weight down quite a bit. Since being here in MA, I have not exercised. I was so tired every day when I first got here just doing house work and getting the house liveable. I had no extra room for exercise. My body was exhausted and so was my mind. Then it just became an idea of something I wanted to do. I got a little burst of ideas here and there but never continually followed a plan. I hate admitting that. The constant was my weekend outings but once Covid came around, that ended.
Covid hit and we were trapped in our home. Jeremy would go to work and be gone all day; I would be left here at home and it was ok at first because on the weekends we could get out and go for drives at least. But we live in a frozen tundra where all but two days of the year it is cold and miserable (I joke but that is what it feels like). Due to my health we just decided to keep me in during the cold. Everything stopped. Only thing there was to do was eat chocolates and watch tv. Before I knew it, it hurt to move, it hurt to walk, I couldn’t breathe, I gained too much weight, and now my heart is suffering. I’m scared to do anything that causes my heart to race. It is miserable not being able to do things I used to do with ease due to the pain in my back from back injuries, to pain in my wrist, and the ever present pain of my legs.
This isn’t a woe with me blog. This is a reminder of the reasons I have to change things for my heart. My heart has been at the forefront of my health issues since I was born. Nothing has changed on that front. The way I have gained weight is very dangerous for my heart. The weight comes back around my middle section and does not spread out other than the weight I have in my legs. For a female heart patient weight gained around the middle is the most dangerous. It smothers your heart and no one needs that.
From experience I know the changes I am making have to start small. Remember, I have lost a significant amount of weight on my own with the same methods before. I just have to do it again and I’m older so there is that too. Starting small is what is hard for me. It feels so useless. Although I know it builds and builds and soon I’ll be able to do the bigger, longer exercise & movements. I will begin to rebuild my life into a more productive one. Mostly I don’t want to miss out on all the events in the boys’ lives nor mine and Jeremy’s life.
I am beginning to cut out soda again. Tea more than Soda is my addiction but I am doing good cutting those both back. Soon I will have them cut out altogether except on special occasions. I have been cutting back on portions and the times I eat. I am trying not to snack. As for movement, I have begun to force myself to do more around the house. I also am trying to use a machine for my legs daily that we have deemed the jiggle machine. I also am trying to do small movement exercises lying in bed and yoga on my ball.
Recently I bought an exercise ball, and have found weights. I want to start putting this into my daily plans and execute a plan for using them. My dear friend is doing exercise via YouTube and posting about them. I’m very inspired by her and will seek out some YouTube videos I can use. All of these seem like simple, small things, but if I execute them all daily I will soon be able to do more, like taking a walk or doing more yoga.
Are you scared of your health and you don’t know where to start with weight loss? I for one would look at my life and ask myself what weight loss would do for me? Is it the thing I need to do to be able to do something important in my life? Am I missing something that I could gain from being smaller? For many of us fats, we have learned to live life just as we would if we were smaller. We have forged forward and figured out ways to get what we want so for some answering those questions really does mean a lot. I don’t miss out on life because I’m fat. I miss out on life because it hurts too dang bad to move. I hope my journey can inspire you if you need inspiration in this way….
Just as a fyi- I do not hate the look of my body. I do not have a big need to change it outside of feeling better. I don’t support crazy dieting, or extreme ways to lose weight. I just want to be here, share my journey, and help others who may be in the same situation. XOXO, Evie