Life is so weird. Can I hear an amen? When I was young, I spent hours in front of a mirror. I was lonely and bored. I loved swirling around and making faces (a trait that I was put down for because it reminded my mom of my dad.) I don’t have many personal memories of it, but I do remember I wished I was a ballerina. I was so clumsy, and chubby and could not hear a rhythm to save my life. There was no future in dance for me. When I became a teenager, I was told so often and by so many people that if only I would lose weight, I’d be able to be a model. I was tall, I had great posture (thanks to my papaw and his mother before him in bedding in him that a good posture would carry you places), great skin and hair.
When I was around 14 or 15 one of my favorite people in the world took me in her arms and told me that I am so beautiful inside and out. This woman is a beautiful Christian, person, singer, and lover of beauty, who walked in her own path and not others. She said, “Don’t let them tell you that you could be a model “if you lose weight”. She said she had heard of BBW’s becoming models for plus-size clothes and even other merchandise. She told me she even knew of a magazine with nothing but BBWs. I had never heard of the phrase BBW (Big Beautiful Women) and it would be at least four more years before I knew what a BBW was. This lady was my dream mother, I wanted to be like her. She was the most beautiful soul I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. Now looking back, I smile because I took her footprints and walked very similar lines. (Wow tears are flowing now). How I wish this beautiful lady could see me now and know how much she impacted my life. I wonder what she would think of me today.
There are things that people say to me and I am like NOOOOOO… That is not me. People DM me asking my advice, telling me I inspire them, asking how I became a model? I just shake my head each time. Especially that last part. Model, who, me??? I look around the room to see who they are talking to. At one time I semi hoped to be found online and become a model but once I began getting more and more problems with what I now know is my lipedema and Lymphedema diagnosis I gave up the idea I would ever be a model. But hey I can be a normal fat person who shows off the things she loves to wear and what her life is about. Then one day in my comments section someone said to me you are a beautiful model! What NOOOOOO. I am no model.
Why was I so defensive about this compliment? Honestly, I was scared for other people to see the comment and think that I thought I was a model. I didn’t want to be made fun of for thinking just because I was online wearing clothes someone thought I thought I was a model. But really this person was just paying me a compliment for what I was doing at that time which was modeling a dress I had recently bought. Don’t get me wrong I will not currently be referring to myself as a model, I do think I will no longer be so Violently against it. Maybe when I work with a brand modeling their clothes, someone will be intensely inspired.
After all is said and done, I am happy to be a content creator. I want to inspire and challenge myself as well as others to live life, love life, to never give up. I however want to hold space that maybe sometimes something amazing can happen and that a wonderful person that had faith in you so long ago would be smiling today thinking “wow I saw that coming…”
I’m going to wrap up this blog with blessings for my life. Blessings for people that believed in me before I could believe in myself. I was blessed to have a lot of people that loved me when I was young. I am blessed today to have people that believe in me. I am especially blessed by Jeremy who believes in me the most, and who sponsors this path I am trying to make. I am blessed and if you want to call me a model then fine have it your way. I won’t be mad at it.
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Xoxo, Evie
Finding Evie 