What is more drama and more difficult than talking to boys online? Being friends with women. Beauties, why are we so complicated? I swear – female relationships stress me out so much. Lately, friendship has not been good to me. I made some mistakes, and let people in too much.
The story goes-
As luck had it, I had someone pursue me for friendship. It made me feel really good. From the beginning, our friendship was one that I valued. In fact, I grew to love her. I have looked over and over at this friendship. If I were to define our friendship I’d say it was one that taught me many things. This friend was from a world I could only dream about yet somehow we still connected, or least though we did. We had so many laughs, so many tears, many lessons that I’ll always remember. She was good at pointing out things I needed to change about myself. While it took a while I normally came around to see why.
I know that I gave 100 percent of myself. When I didn’t feel like being friendly, I was, when I didn’t want to answer my phone, I did. When I did not feel like cleaning I did. I can say that this friend was one that I worked on keeping. Everything she asked of me, I tried to give/do for her. Till one day I had nothing to give. My body was becoming a traitor and my asthma was/is stealing my ability to not only breath but live. I just could not be with her because I was physically not in a good place.
One day I replied about something she sent a text about and asked for my opinion. I replied with how it made me feel, at which I didn’t care for it, and I explained it was because of my past. My dear friend was so hurt by me answering the way I did. She later told me I was selfish, only ever thought of myself, and I was very lame to still blame my past for my current actions. Looking back I can’t decide if this was the beginning of the end or the actual end.
A few months back before this texting /opinion text happened, I was expressing how scared I was not knowing how I’d find out if she needed me or if something was wrong if, for some reason, she could not use the phone. I was given two phone numbers to call if I was worried. Well for weeks I was not hearing from my friend and I called one of the numbers. I just asked how my friend was and if she had heard from her. My friend texted me soon after telling me never to text that person again. Ok, I found this weird but did not say anything.
Days later I got a text from my friend saying she was sick and her living arrangements might change. She would text me the next week. Well, one week went into two. I was worried. I didn’t know what to do. She was not replying to my calls or texts. So yes, after I told her I would not text her friend I texted her. I got a text back that frankly pissed me off and hurt me all the same time. This text was telling me how selfish I was, (because I said my heart was breaking with worry) and then I was told how bad of a friend I was. I was told that my friend had said that she had been a good friend to me but I gave nothing back because I didn’t know how. This person, who up until recently, had been ignoring my friend and causing her a lot of emotional pain was telling me I was a bad friend?!? I was confused, especially by this next part. She told me that she knew I was terrible from the beginning and knew I had been taking advantage of my friend. Lord took the wheel or in this case the phone because I was so shocked but also so mad. It was like everything this person was saying to me was things my friend had said about this person to me. The only thing I replied was that’s all fine, but is she ok/safe? It was replied that it is up to my friend to tell me if she wanted me to know. That I could understand, but all the rest was terrible and meant to hurt me, and hurt me bad.
It has been more than a month now. I am left with an empty feeling where her friendship used to be but what is worse I do not know the outcome of my now ex-friend. I can’t imagine how my exfriend must be doing. She was pretty much on her own so I worry about her. I wonder if she is ok, if she got to stay in her home or better yet move to be with her “friend”. I could have reached out again – in fact in the past I would have begged and pleaded for our friendship but I was just done. If she thought I was a bad friend then I had nothing to say or nothing more to look forward to in knowing her. I say this selfishly but I’m done giving to people, trying my best, and then when I care too much, I get slapped in the face with the reality I never meant to them what they meant to me.
Friendships are hard. I’m sticking to this friendship for now:
This is one that has lasted 13 yrs! I often put friends before family and it has not played well for me. I find it hard to connect to women. It seems scary to trust and give love over and over just to be forgotten or dropped. When you have nothing to give is that not the time a friend should rally and understand? I don’t know why being a friend has to hurt so much. I don’t know why being imperfect with someone isn’t common. On tv they make friendships look so easy. I want so badly a group of friends to travel with, to have weekly dinners with, to laugh and cry with. To know that when things aren’t great, they will be there and when things are great, they will be there too.
I may never have this. I did have it once and it was the best time of my life. I know I let those friends down and they will never totally understand why I left the way I did, but while it was good with them it was great and they gave me a power I didn’t know I needed.
Overall, what I have learned in this last experience is that I survived. The pain was terrible and omg I cried for days but at the end of the day, I survived. Lord knows I thought the world was ending but it didn’t and I’m still here. Trying to put my all into my work, praying one day I can have an income for what I love doing. Sending so much love out to all of you who feel alone and feel like friendships just hurt too much to pursue. You are not alone. XOXO, Evie
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Finding Evie 