I was 26 and I had not really had an adult relationship. I was also a virgin. I was 26 when I met him, and I am 43 now and I can still see him walk around the corner of the building. The air was cold, but that was not what was making me tremble. Sometimes I think that I imagined it all. Except when he text today to check on me, I know that he was there and so was I.
17 years – where do I start. Let’s go back to the beginning. A friend introduced him and I online. From the moment I laid eyes on him, I was in lust. His eyes, his long hair, his tall slim frame. It didn’t hurt that he was an artist and of course loved big ladies. This may sound off but he has helped me with “big girl issues” more than anyone else. I call him my big girl guru. Over the past 17 years our relationship has had many forms. One thing that has not changed is how he lets me be me and he doesn’t hold it against me. Trust me, he has seen me at my worst and maybe my best. He lets me accuse and fight and still he is there.
I digress – back to the story. We met online about a year before we would meet that faithful September day. I still remember that moment I first saw him. I’m sure my face lit up with a smile (and this was before I had pretty teeth). It was like a magnet pulling me to him (this is how meeting him on webcam and in person felt). His hands were full but I went straight for a hug. He was like let me put this down. He came right back to me and pulled me in. Our first kiss started with figuring out what to do about our glasses… LOL…. then it was like the world disappeared. Nothing existed but him and I. That night he made out, but it was just that. Him leaving me that night felt like I would never see him again although we had talked about seeing each other once I got settled.
Life happened and I did not settle. In fact, I had to leave Illinois, where I had been visiting a friend. I was sitting in a dingy little motel, scared out of my mind about the next part of my life. Fear had taken over every aspect of me. The next actions I did out of fear – I called home and begged to come back and live with my bestie, and soon plans were made. I’d need to be there in that crummy motel room one more night.
Out of pure need for human contact, fear, and longing to just see him again, I called him. He made plans to see me later that night. He brought pizza and he shared what he was working on. We talked until we didn’t talk anymore. He was gentle, loving, and so sexy. He taught me to love my body as he enjoyed me. The way he touched me made me shiver and feel on fire all the same time. His eyes never leaving my body made me feel beautiful. That night I lost my virginity and my ability to think straight when it involved him.
When he kissed me goodbye in the early morning darkness, I knew I would never be the same and I haven’t been. I had fallen in so much lust and in some ways love. The next 2 years we would talk about being together, and then he stepped out and got caught by me. Except that was my side of the story. His side was he never promised me anything. In fact, he was correct. He never promised me anything.
Ladies, we really have to see the truth when it comes to our hearts. That lie I told myself almost caused me to not be with you today. I hurt myself pretty bad, and I was just lucky enough that I didn’t live alone and was found in time. After that we didn’t talk for some time. I met my future husband and while we would check in with each other, I would not talk to him for a good period of time after I moved to NY.
He and I have lost shared friends. We have both lived through a lot of life since that first kiss. When I was lost, he was the one I turned to. When I had no hope and no desire to go on, He is who I have turned to. I remember right before I got married, I called to tell him. I wanted him to know I needed to have this marriage and I needed to put him away. He had a girlfriend at that time. I doubted it would last. I told him I loved him, and I needed not to.
Him and his girlfriend have been together almost as long as I haven’t seen him. So many things happened in those years. In some deep valleys, I wondered why I wasn’t good enough for him to choose me. Why was I not the one in his arms? I put so much time and space into this man. I loved him, differently over the years but always love. As for love returned? I have only heard those words once or twice. Some ways I’m ok with that. I know he really means it. That relationship he has, she is so much more than I could ever be. So much better for him than me. Knowing that gave me peace. I feel guilty for the times I would always run back to him even if in just text, or calls. I feel so much guilt. I can’t excuse my actions.
Present day – we are friends who occasionally wonder why in fact we didn’t get together. I doubt he reads this but if one day he does. I want to say thank you for loving me even when you could not say it. Thank you for letting me cry, yell, accuse, hang up and obsess. If one day I forget that kiss, the friendship throughout life, and the way you made me feel, I hope we are still friends so you can remind me.
Moral of the story, sometimes relationships develop way different than you expect and the best most beautiful relationships of friendships can form.
XOXO, Evie
Finding Evie 