I haven’t journaled in so long, and I feel that by avoiding journaling, it is a way for me to hide from myself. Here is the topic for today…I’m going to talk about weight. Yes, that topic. I maintained a weight of 425 for a long time, longer than any other number on the scale. I stayed that weight for almost 6 years, only fluctuating up and down by a few pounds. I had decided that my body was comfortable there and was holding steady. I felt, at that time, I was in a healthy place.
Some people are going to look at that number four hundred and twenty-five as a crazy weight for anyone to be. However, it was not my highest or my lowest but it was by far when I was at my healthiest. I went to the gym and I had a pretty active life. There was not too much I could not do.
I’m going to leave out all the middle ground in regards to what was going on in my life and what caused me to start gaining. I will say though that before I left NY I was up to 520 lbs. I didn’t tell anyone that though as I felt ashamed. I was not ashamed of how I looked but how I felt – I felt like I had let myself down. I had started having trouble doing small things like using stairs and mopping, both things that I used to be able to do without too many issues.
When I arrived here in Massachusetts, the first thing I did was I started eating pork and pretty much desserts every day. Some days I would eat desserts all day. I was going through the worst and the best time of my life and I had trouble separating my feelings from the food. Only thing I knew was that food helped me feel full of something other than pain, hurt, being unsure, and happiness. Yes, I was trying to escape happiness. Being truly happy may have been what I was running from the most, but definitely I was running from my emotions.
Any way you look at it, over the last three years I have lost some of the abilities I loved the most. I can’t go hiking, shop all day, go to places that involve a lot of walking, and I avoid everything with stairs except for the unavoidable (navigating in, out, and inside the house as there are stairs). I have a full staircase that leads to my bedroom, and steps to leave my home that are dangerous for me. I have lost strength in my body and lately my lungs have had the worst time adjusting to new weather. My breathing is like that of a 90-year old daily smoker. All of that considered, this past year especially my confidence has been at an all time high, and I have battled through depression. Currently I am not being medicated due to depression and have gone from weekly visits with my therapist to every two weeks. This in and of itself is a huge high for me, an accomplishment I didn’t think I would see so soon.
Weight gain is not always part of falling apart. Why is that so hard for me to remember? Weight gain can be due to any number of reasons. I’m learning that my weight is not a reminder of who I was or what I will become. Because my lungs aren’t doing well that doesn’t determine my worth or even my disposition. I’m writing this because I need to remember this and also I think there are a number of humans out there that need to be reminded of this as well. It is always my goal to let my followers into my world for the sake of NO one feeling alone. Today I don’t feel alone. I have people that love me, friends that support me and a community that is rooting for me.
Again, I will say my weight going up or down does not determine my worth – I need to remember this. Recently I stepped on the scale and I saw a number that I promised myself I would never see again, and I almost lost all knowledge that weight does not determine my worth. I had that feeling flow through me of self-loathing, and instantly I went to the idea of maybe I should not eat lunch that day or any day. Why do I even have a number that I want to be or need to be? There is no way to determine what weight I should be to feel good and be at my best health wise. Like I said, that number for me was some people’s worst nightmare. That number may be more or less now, I don’t really know. If I’m honest with myself today I am feeling better than I have in months. My breathing isn’t as bad as it has been and my body isn’t hurting as much. I know that can change in a hours’ time but for right now I feel good. I am choosing to not be mean to my body and I am going to do what feels good. I’m going to go to my doctors’ visits like I’m supposed to, I’m going to eat foods I enjoy (but stop overeating so I don’t have to deal with pain in my stomach), and I’m going to move my body when and how it feels comfortable. I’m going to continue to guard my mental health and maybe, just maybe, not step back on that vicious machine that tells us how much we weigh.
A message to you and me… Love yourself each day, take care of yourself, and be mindful of the good and bad things you do to your body. Cherish this life and learn to not create boxes for yourself to fit into.