Dear Beauties, and Beasts,
Below there is a blog I wrote and never posted. I assume in my mind if I didn’t post it , it would not be true. So here it is. The Story of the end of the relationship. I am not mad at Jeremy *at least not anymore. I am sad to leave a life with the Man I thought I was going to marry and grow old with. As life is opening up and beginning to spring life back to me I have some things to look forward to. That making the breakup, leaving the east coast * i want be near a ocean that seems brutal.But I will be closer to my mom and I will get to know family I have been desperate to know. So here is the writings of a girl that just could not post till now.
I have been super quiet. Well for one I just got over a stomach Bug. I should not say “Got over” because I am having to be super careful of what I put in my body. I do not trust my tummy. Anyway, other than that … The white elephant in the room that for once is not me directly. Jeremy and I have broken up. This has been coming since August I suppose. This has been one nightmare after another. August brought me to a new year; I lost Belle two weeks after my birthday. Jeremy and I had a huge disagreement on decisions he made without me and I took off my engagement ring. Week or so later Jeremy broke up with me. Then about a week went by and we concluded that we were not going to breakup because we both loved each other too much. Christmas come and went and somehow, we landed on Valentines and the 13th Jeremy broke up with me officially. Before I knew what was happing, his ex, his kids, and our neighbors knew. Somehow not having control over who and when those around us found out broke me down even more.
There has been a lot of crying, a lot of conversations, a lot of questions with no answers and a lot of pain. I was so confused. I thought I was finally getting better or at least was learning to bare the pain and walk anyway. I thought that I was getting back on track with social media and I though My Jeremy was proud of me. This breakup at first was about being thrown away, seen as not important, it was a great loss for me of safety that I cannot explain how important that safety was. It was a painful that I was not good enough. I had let Jeremy down and I let myself down.
Weeks later, I am a lot less hurt. Nope not a good sentence. I am still incredibly hurt but in an entirely different way. Jeremy and I have a love that no one can understand. Are we compatible, maybe not. Did we have a good life pre Covid, YES. Did we have a good life during Covid, for the most part yes. Jeremy and I are two different people. We have common ground but on the most part we are different. I like to talk out problems and Jeremy likes to just ignore them. Together we both have our places in the fall of this relationship. I gave in to my pain and did not fight. Jeremy did not hear me when I begged to get out of the house regularly. We both wanted some of the same things but went after it in very different ways. If only we had worked together and shut out the outside world. Jeremy sees success one way and I see it totally different. Money matters to Jeremy and not so much for me. I tell Jeremy all the time leading up to this that if we had to live in a tent, Id lives in a tent with him. I depended to heavily on Jeremy for my needs while down with my foot. After a while it just grew to be too much. I become less of a girlfriend and more of a burden.
For all the name sayers, Jeremy is not moving on to another women. Our sex life is beautiful and giving. The kids are not the reason of separation. I love the kids greatly. No, I did not use all Jeremy Money. In fact, I had very little to do with the use of his money. Now Jeremy was good to me. He supported my Torrid addiction. Out of respect I always shopped on sale, and often only when there were huge staked discounts. AND no, we are not separating because of Jeremy use of Instagram. For the most part Jeremy follows the same people I follow and tried to support the people I care about. Yes, he did like women’s pages, but that was where it ended. It was never an issue till some of those “followers” who like to say they care about me, then felt the need to point those type of things out.
Ya’ll Jeremy was my white knight. He took a huge step into the unknown by taking me in at the end of my Marriage. I could have been terrible and not good for him. He could have been a terrible person as well but there was just something about him that put me at total ease. He told me he loved me very soon after we begin talking. It just felt right to say I love you to. He was such an inspiration to me. I love even today how very much he inspires me. Jeremy is not perfect but he is never going to give up. He has a dream and I am positive one day he will have his dream. Our love is always going to be something that I will remember as healing and the word I keep saying over and over is Safe. He made me feel safe and I will never forget that feeling that I had never really felt before. He taught me to not fight, and to not need to. He was kind and patient. He put up with me being silly and strange. I love Jeremy and I am so happy that I have been loved by him.
Finding Evie 