When this goes live on April 26, 2023, I will have been sad, and unprecise, wanting a project to keep me busy, things have moved around, and a lot of nothing is being done. April has not been a good month for me since 2008.
I lost my chosen dad, and my papaw 8 days apart. I was the last to see each of them alive after long hours of sitting by their beds wishing for miracles I knew were not coming. Not realizing the miracle was God taking both men in little-to-know pain with family around most of the day and in the steal of a moment alone they passed.
If you have had loved ones pass you know all the traumatic things that can happen, the pain that comes not only physical for the loved one but possible pain for you having to make a decision. I’ve watched a very good friend literally deteriorate from the decisions she had to make at the end of a loved one’s life. So while I didn’t realize it then I now know that both men passing on their own quietly was God’s miracle for them and their families.
Writing this, I’m struggling to stay awake… When I am this consumed with sadness I sleep or you can say I toss and turn! I remember when I was married my ex would take me on long rides, to let me see the water. Or during the time I had my car, if I could not be found, I was at one of the beaches on long island.
Water as in oceans, and lakes is where I find the most happiness and peace. The vast size, the white caps, the waves, and the sounds. It all consumes me and somehow grief becomes less.
2012 come around and a bunch of maneuvers, calls, cries, and plans had it in fate the only date available would be April 28 to be married. Soon it was a great idea because the happiness of a wedding would swell my heart and ill no longer feel so sad on this day/month! It worked for a bit, I felt like it was now the day the two men with supporting roles in my life were looking over me passing me to the new man in my life. Then slowly as things were more intense the pain come back and the new pain piled up higher and higher. This day of what felt like my biggest loss was also my biggest failure or was it?
Therapy for five years and dealing with this biggest failure, my biggest loss taught me it was not “mine” but ours. I alone did not cause a divorce, I alone did not cause the loss of my family and my best friend ( my ex). Some people will always believe it was me that ruined everything and I have just had to accept that part. I did lose my family but that was not my fault, I tried to keep in touch, and I tried reaching out but I was shut out. What I do have to be thankful for is even though it isn’t what it was I stay in contact with my two oldest nieces and their mom who has been a best friend to me for 12 years now. I tried making friends with my ex but each time in the last five years that I got into a comfortable friendship, he takes the friendship and blocks me out. This to felt like my fault but therapy taught me it was not except for the fact I keep allowing him that power. Like I let the loss of my father figure and grandfather consume me each year. It was I allowing the consumption to occur.
Now think about Yourself. Are you consumed by pain over a loss or a situation? What part do you play? Who else is involved what was their role?
This past 2022 and 2023 have been ruff for the ex and I separately. At certain times we each reached out and suddenly I got very comfortable with the idea I had a friend that knew me better than anyone back. However, as fast as it come it left even faster. All I have from that Marriage back in 2012 are memories. I still work on blocking out the bad and forcing the precious memories of all the good times to be my main memories. You may be wondering What does my fiance think about the friendship I tried to have? Jeremy was so supportive of a friendship as long as I didn’t get hurt, he felt like a lot of pain could have been healed for both my ex and me. This leads to what happened I thought it was going to be different this time and my ex would stick around but that doesn’t happen. I am thankful we parted on good terms. I hope his life is what he wanted.
My life is so good, just some side things make it difficult such as my fall and the ongoing health issues. This year I’m not feeling guilty like in the pastor at least not as much as normal. I’m just simply taking the space to mourn my losses. Maybe one day it will fade to a point it doesn’t flood my mind with I could have, I should have, I am sorry, I wish all revolving around Papaw. If I had, should, could, in my marriage. While these feelings are not great, you have to understand how these are much better lines of thought than I use to have. I think my therapist be proud of me that I’m making space for my sadness but not wallowing in it! That I’m also narrowing down where the sadness comes from.
I hope that sharing these parts of me helps others.
Do you have memories where you say “I messed everything up, I am such a failure, if only,” These are the things you need to see the truth of? Most of the time you will see if you only look at the situation you can change the narrative. I’m not saying you still won’t need to work through your part but that load will lessen. I love you beauties and hope you’re having a lovely April.