Today would have been my 10th wedding anniversary. We were divorced before we reached our 7th year. We had two good years of marriage. The third was the worst year of my life. The fourth was a year full of making promises we could not keep and making huge demands for a baby, for devotion, for a life we left behind in year 2.
At that point, I left my marriage of 6 years. I was scared of the failure to communicate. I was afraid that my dreams would only ever be dreams. I was drowning in his life, and he was barely holding his own. I did not want to live anymore being the woman who stole his life. He was so angry at having to do what was best for our marriage, and for me. I wanted him to have the freedom to explore the life he wanted. His depression and my needs were like adding fuel to an already lit fire. We fought like we hated each other. Now looking back, we loved each other but we were just too deep into a world we were not prepared for. I knew we were over when the words out of his mouth on New Year’s Day (year 5) were the worst things you could ever hear from the man you love to say to you.
That leads me to today, the would-be 10 anniversary. Today I am trying to remember all the things I just said because it would have been Hella nice to be married for ten years. To have that dream be real. Boy did we have dreams, or at least we had his dreams. At year 10 we dreamed that he would be at his choice of residence, we would be parents possibly living in Manhattan. No telling what I would be doing because he was against me beginning to have a presence on social media, blogging, or anything that I wanted to do. To have had so many dreams it seems odd to look back and realize that our dreams were actually his dreams.
That leaves us to think about love, forgiveness, and putting things in the past. We both had a hard time getting past the divorce that is why we wanted it as fast as possible. We needed it to end and to try and get past the pain.
Four years later the ex is on his way to completing his education, working, and is in a long-term relationship. I have a beautiful life, I’m engaged, I love my guy and his kids. We have a good life. I am pursuing a career doing what I love – writing and helping others. We are both moving forward. This writing about how it should have been a 10-year wedding anniversary is the last time I keep track. Sometimes things work out … Just not the way we expect. XOXO, Evie
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