Taking a deep breath as I begin this blog. Poetry is so important to me. My life as far back as I can remember I wrote poetry to let out my pain. To be able to put into words how I felt. Some in hidden ways, but some clear and pointed. For me, poetry was one of the few things I was proud of. My grandfather was always having me write poetry to read at church. I wrote poems for my grandmother’s funeral and long before my grandpa lost his ability to think he made sure I knew he wanted a reading from me. Even in death, he was my biggest fan.
I had journals, notebooks, and those black and white paper ledgers. I wrote when I was sad, in love, scared, hopeful, hurt, sick, and everything in between. I had stacks and stacks of journals. I saved them all. Then I moved to Long Island to be with my boyfriend who turned into my husband and is now my ex. We moved so many times that I eventually got rid of a lot of things but still held onto my beloved journals. Until my ex started reading them one day and told me how bad they were. See, back then my world revolved around making him happy and doing what he wanted. He wanted me to toss all the journals that were taking up the room. I didn’t know the way this would destroy me. I did as I was told and was rid of all the journals.
You know self-care is very different for each of us but also the idea is the same. Maybe you write out your feelings for various reasons but in the long run, we all do it to help ourselves release things we can’t otherwise release.
Pages bound in familiarness
My fingers gentle run along the spine
Feeling connected trying to hold on
Opening the pages
The memories explode
The written words fighting, blood smearing
Heavy laden with anticipation
To be heard – to be understood.
Not caring the ink comes from my veins
In a flash, the bound pages were all gone
The wind whipped them away
All of me taken with them
If only I had freed them
If only I had burned them
If only I had not bled for them
Control took me by storm
Tender Love bashed me
My blood pools
My mind weak
Never again.
XOXO, Evie
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Finding Evie 