Internet relationships cannot be talked about for me without talking about “him” … You know the one, the one that loved you just as much as you loved him. This story has a happy but sad ending. However, it is a story worth telling.
When I met Robert, I was an alcoholic, I smoked to get high, and I was mentally just not completely sane. Yet somehow it was the time I remember the most of feeling loved and wanted. Again, I’m not sure how we met. It seems funny how many people I have known over the last 20 years and I have no idea how I came across them. If I was to guess I would say we met through a dating site for “supersized” women and men looking for relationships. Supersized was the defining word for us Infinifats back then.
It was one of those meetings where you talk for hours and hours on your first interaction. It was for sure an amazing conversation as this guy was just as screwed up as I was. Which was my first thought. Up to that point I had talked to people that did not know how screwed up felt. This guy, “my Robert” he understood. We had a lot in common. It was a difficult time for me. My life was so confusing, and often I didn’t know if I was alive or dead just going through the motions. I was 25, Robert being a year or two younger. I lived in Louisiana and he lived in Germany.
Soon after that first 4-hour conversation we would spend 6 hours a day speaking. He would work and come home to end his day with me. We would get on webcam and would stay there as long as I could and then fall asleep and do it all again. He was at that time physically my taste. Tall, slim, blonde, and that accent… He was a mystery to me. Even though he did nothing to ever make me doubt him, of course I did. Maybe I thought that typical fat girl thought “why would he want me?”. Robert was a DJ of this super hard core techno and I would listen to his tracks and I would be supportive but oh boy… I hated the nights he would DJ. We would not get to talk much and the time we did, he would be super high or tripping and not high on life. In the beginning, I didn’t think much of it, because he was there and I was where I was. As life has it, I began to fall in love and the drugs became a problem. I was more worried about his health than about our future.
During the middle of that first year, we began talking about our future, we would dream. We talked about him moving to the states and starting a restaurant, having a small house, and having babies. He begins to cut back on the drugs. He was so cute; he would always leave me voice messages and make tracks for me. We would talk every day. I then begin to feel insecure. He was working more, and I was alone more. He had a gig and then, it had been five days with no contact and I panicked. Did he ghost me, did he die of an overdose? I was so scared. Scared of losing him, scared he was dead, scared that I’d never hear him say he loved me again. We had been together almost a year at this point. I was so scared.
The mad search for him began when I went to a live video of the club he was DJing at. I just wanted to see if he was there. Then I reached out to a well-known DJ and he had forms on a web site that I logged into and wrote him a public message at which he emailed me back since he was over the account. I got the email that said, “Of course I know who you are, Evie. You are Robert’s American gf”. I WAS SHOCKED. He told me he had not heard from him in a few days and he would reach out and find him. Come to find out his laptop broke and back then we had each other’s number, but international calls were costly and complicated. He emailed me from his friend’s computer on day 6.
A week later he got a new laptop and our days and nights went back to normal. We were in love. I loved him so much I decided I would let him meet my mom via online. So the day before we made plans and he had his beautiful curls that I loved so much. I got to my moms and got set up for his call and to my incredible shock he shaved his head the night before. I almost passed out. Oh, how upset I was. I could barely look at him for weeks. LOL…
As time moved on, I fell more and more in love till tears started being part of our conversation, plus trying to find a way for him to come to the US. Money was short, passport lotto wasn’t working for us. Soon it would be us fighting because we were both miserable not being able to be together. I could not take it. He was sad as well. So, one day we talked… we had a huge cry and all the words that you say when you love someone so much, but can’t be with them. So, we decided to be friends and spend time apart so we could let the separation set in. And that is what we did.
To this day for me there is one marriage, one divorce and a serious engagement. For him one serious relationship with a baby and a wife and two more babies later we are still friends that check on each other every now and again. Seeing him clean himself up, marry a beautiful chick, and have the sweetest kids makes my heart feel so warm and happy. Sometimes love changes into something else and it turns out to be the best friendship.
So, my Babies, protect your hearts. Make sure you have a well laid out plan that can be followed through on. Trust that you are good enough and well lastly the best laid out plans don’t always work. Go forth and find your loves via online. They are out there, just be careful. XOXO, Evie