I am one of those people that truly loves their therapist. In fact, I sometimes get pissed she can’t just be my friend. Oh, gosh I am suddenly getting flash backs from “What about BOB”, If you haven’t watched that and you have a therapist, go watch it now. Yes, we will wait. Now that you have watched it, you can understand how I was getting a bad vibe about myself. Maybe I need therapy for my therapy. HA. Seriously not that bad yet.
As it has it my standing Appointment is at one o’clock on Wednesdays. It really helps me to mange to get through the week. I wish my therapist in real life was like a therapist as seen on television. Maybe if I was in the right salary bracket I could have my therapist on speed dial like on television, but at last I am not. I sure needed her today.
I had so many alarms set for different times today, there was no way I was going to miss my facetime virtual appointment for the skin infection on my belly again! Yes again, yesterday I slept through my 8AM appointment. Who makes appointments that early, that was insane? So second try, 12:45 I had alarms set from 9AM to 11:30AM set. I get up, dress, and wait for my appointment. It just so happens this is one of the days where I can’t stop coughing. Yippie. So, the appointment happens and we go through it. Well, I get an antibiotic for my belly and then they say it, exactly what I didn’t want them to say… YOU NEED TO COME IN. You need to have your chest listened to and be possibly x-rayed. Sigh Ok. Tomorrow we will make an appointment to get you in. SIGH!
So, wanting a little bit of sympathy and also, I needed to check and see how my Mom’s appointment went yesterday, I facetimed her. Frankly I have no idea why I think that this is ever a good idea. First off, she was at her house or where her house use to be. They were tearing it down and burning/burying it today. So, mom had tears in her eyes over that. I wish she would not put her self through that pain but maybe that is her way of healing. I am not one to judge on what you need to do to heal. So then before I can tell her about my doctor appointment she says, well I wasn’t going to tell you… NOW let me give you a little back ground. These six words have never played out well for me in the past. In fact, these six words have usually landed me in some very bad mental states of shock, disgust, danger, pain, sadness. So, you can only imagine what happened when she said that and the phone broke up. It was like not even my phone wanted to hear. The universe knew I was not ready and certainly was not ready for more stress.
I hung up on face time and called her back and she was still talking. I was like wait what, go back. I really want to give some back history now but if I did that you would know where this was going. So, let me just say. Mom needs to have shoulder surgery. Yes, the same Mom that has had her car stop working and had to have it fixed (or patched), has had her house destroyed in a hurricane, and almost lost her life, not even half the money given to rebuild her house from FEMA, and now she needs her shoulder fixed again. Well so she goes to her doctor, and while trying to get the ok for surgery, she is having the EKG done when the tech says hold on and runs out of the room. She comes back and says that the doctor is going to be right in – hold on a bit. So, Mom lays there wondering what in the world is going on. Because she hasn’t had no heart problems what so ever. We have always joked about that because I have heart problems but she doesn’t when every aunt and uncle, plus her mom and dad had heart problems. We called it very Lucky.
Her Doctor asked her, Kathy, have you been feeling bad? She said “No, not particular.” He says “Kathy I can’t approve you for surgery – you are going to have to go see the cardiologist.” Mom said “why,” the doctor said, “You have had a heart attack.” I swear when she said that to me, I almost fainted. Much like when she told me the house was gone, I went back to the only words I seem to know in a time of distress lately “Momma NO, NO Momma.”
I know some people think I share too much of my personal information/feelings on-line, but honestly it is my way of letting go. There have been times in my life where blogging was the only thing that got me through. I wish somehow that I would have kept my old blogs active by moving them to new blog sites as old ones closed. People also do not understand my relationship with my Mother. How my heart breaks for her and how much I miss her when she is the reason that I have PTSD, the reason I can’t have anyone touch my face, the fact that I am terrified to be alone and one of the reasons I’d rather be hit than mentally talked down. I keep blogging. There is someone that will understand and will need to know that forgiveness may come; it may mean different things for them as it has for me. We can’t all come through the storm damaged and recover the same way. Some have to recover and some have to totally rebuild. Just know we can survive.
Just like I did this day…