A Body That Has Become Like A Jail

What is it like to wake up in a body that has become like a jail? 

I open my eyes, always tired because of lack of sleep or just the weariness I feel anticipating the tasks I need to do on any particular day. My body hurts instantly. I assess the situation, trying to decide what hurts most to what hurts least. What can I do to soothe the worst of it? I then assess my heart. How is my pulse? Am I getting enough oxygen? Is my blood pressure too low or too high? (Knowing it will never be perfect). Then I begin to consider how badly I really need to go to the restroom, and how long can I hold it before I have to leave the comfort and protection of my bed. These are my initial thoughts every single day.

When it gets to the point I can’t stand to lay in bed anymore due to the bathroom calling, I take a deep last breath into my bi-pap machine and stand up. Can I move? Ok, yes! The rest of the day is spent doing as little movement as possible while trying my hardest to get as much done as one can without moving about too much. Rinse and repeat, day in and day out. Going to bed at night is my greatest achievement. Tackling a bath, stairs, and readying myself for bed. It all takes so much out of me I am often too tired to sleep. YUP. That is a thing!

My body and I have never got along, but lately we’re at war with each other. I hurt in so many different ways I have lost count and the ability to pinpoint it. I have never been in a healthy body, but just 4 short years ago my body allowed me to do the things I wanted to do when I wanted to do them. I miss that freedom! I do not have that now and I long for it again. 

Do you know how it feels to have such hyperactive thoughts and ideas and not enough ability to carry them out! My body tires my mind and my mind confuses my body! My 600lb life is not the life led by the people on that stupid show, but sometimes some aspects become all too real and that terrifies me. I long for a fast fix but I don’t believe there is a “fast fix”. That show forgets to tell you the failure rate of GB (gastric bypass). It forgets to tell you the future health risks. It focuses on the deteriorating life of people who have long since given up. I sit here afraid that I will slip into that place and I too will give up. 

I try daily to be as much me as I want to be. It may come in small bursts of energy or long drawn out days of work that should only take minutes. I keep fighting, though, which leads me here to all of you. I want to share all aspects of my life, not just the healing mental health parts. I want to share about my physical health, too, and I need to feel like I can share about my weight and struggles! 

Wanting that freedom to speak my mind comes at a price, though. I am literally afraid to say one single thing about my weight to anyone out of fear of ridicule and violent outlashings I will get from accounts/people that I admire. This world we live in now consists of fear of pissing off the wrong person and causing a backlash that will end everything we have fought so hard to achieve. This body positive world has always had the same tag lines as their foundation: “all bodies are good bodies” and “advocating for all” with these being the focus of the movement. Yet, it has changed. Body positivity began as a movement of body-positive advocates that believed that all sizes, race, gender, physical capabilities, and sexuality are acceptable! However, the smear campaign of terms taken by weight loss accounts with people wanting to be thin or who are thin changed the entire concept:  “to change your body to a smaller size is the only healthy positive body”. This has led to other movements such as Fat positivity. Fat positivity is advocating just for fat bodies! The mere mention of weight loss or the need to lose weight is strict no no. “How dare you not love yourself as you are” is the first phrase flung from the fat acceptance crowd and “Let’s get you skinny” from what has become the stolen part of the body positive community. If you follow me, you would know I use both those movements’ hashtags. I believe in the original foundation of Body Positivity and I believe in fighting for our rights and comforts with Fat Positivity. While I support both, I don’t know where I fit exactly.

I know I am pretty. I know I can have attention from the male species if I wanted it. I know that I am happy in my relationship, and I know that being fat does not decrease your importance or lower your status. I know that being overweight can be just a number on a scale and doesn’t automatically saddle you with illness. I also know for me personally, I am unhealthy plus I am fat.There is no physical size that allows me to claim “healthy”. No matter my size, I would still worry about my life span; I would still worry about my heart and numerous other things that I carry around. I would still hate my insides for not making a baby that would live. I would be angry for the time I have wasted.  

This is where I am at folks. For the first time in my life, I am confident in my looks 100 percent. I have had bouts of confidence but never like now. I’m like most women who have those days where they look in the mirror and say “Argh, looks like this is an off day”! Most of us will gladly tell you it actually has so little to do with what we look like. Sure, everyone has days they wish they could be younger, have more of a tan or not, wish their lips were bigger or smaller – etc etc. Don’t feel like you’re alone, because you’re not.  Accepting you will have these types of days your mind plays crazy tricks on you, but knowing you’re ok and it will pass is all part of acceptance and security in yourself!  

We each have our own standards of what makes up our looks and health that present in our DNA. For me my weight is not just a number on the scale –  it is a health issue. I have been heavier than I am currently, and I have been less than I am currently. What I have never been is thin, well unless you count when I was malnourished as a baby, which is where some of my health issues began. While for some fats health is not an issue while for others it is a main issue. Fat is a small word for a broad range of sizes that is defined by inches and numbers on a scale – not level of movement, health, and abilities! As humans there is no mold to be filled. God Does not just hit repeat and factory produce us to all be the same. For me, my worth is not considered on how I compare to someone else. This concept as My Truth is my goal! 

I know you’re going to ask if I have a perfect number in which I want to get to? No is the easy answer but there is a number that in my 30’s allowed me to hike, play games, get up and down off the floor with babies in tow, go up and down stairs without dying, shop all day with friends, cook and clean my home without it killing me, to drive my own car, and to have the ability to explore places on my own. I did not have any limitations. I was still “obese/super fat/fat”, but I was living and thriving. I don’t know if that number will reflect the same now that I am older but I am hopeful. 

I have no desire to be thin, I have no desire to have any surgery of any kind, and I have no desire to be the world’s “standard of beauty”. Because I strive to “be my own beautiful”, that will not change no matter the weight I am at. 

I allowed the feelings of a spouse in the past to determine my self-worth and that is how my weight gain began after all my hard work. I wont allow that to happen again. My self-worth comes from me. My idea of what I want comes from me and out of me. Trust me I hate diets and never ever would I suggest them. Yet when I say I’m going to try and lose weight (or even when I say I don’t), everyone feels they need to input their opinion. 

In a world of Body Positive and Fat Positivity on social media, there seems to be two major sides: the people that hate diets and the people that love them. I am neither and I truly believe there are more of you out there that feel like me but are too afraid to say it. I do believe diet is a term, meaning the food you combine together to feed yourself during a 24-hour period of time. It is not meant to give worth to a fat body for trying to be less fat.

Just like my desire to be self-sufficient financially, I want to also be self-sufficient in taking care of myself physically. I do NOT want to have to depend on anyone, and right now I lean heavily on my spouse. This decreases my personal self-worth, because for me, being self-sufficient are dreams and desires that are important to me.  I guess this is where I say, if you think I’m right for you – keep following me.  If not , I’m sorry and I hope you find what you’re looking for. There are plenty of accounts that are strictly anti-diet and there are plenty of accounts that will talk about the next best diet. You’re not going to find that here or on any of my social media accounts. What you will find is me talking about ALL aspects of mental health, from my depression to also talking about the struggles with my body. 

So, to close, I will say this: I am tired of trying to be healthier alone. I know by saying this I am opening myself up to a lot of advice which I really do not need. What I do need is support – support for a life in which is set up by me and me alone. I have things I want to achieve, and to do that, to feel good enough for that, weight loss has to occur. I wish we lived in a world where no one comments about our bodies. I wish we could just be souls that are seen for what we are, not what we look like but since that is not what our world is please know I will try and never make you feel uncomfortable or less than. I will try to always be respectful and make you feel welcomed with my content. I may make mistakes along the way but I will try my best to stay the person I am at this moment, the person that has made you all follow me and the person I can be again while being proud of my accomplishments.